32°


after my whole pain and or episode yesterday. our headnurse was still not over the whole incident. i knew she was joking around, i was kinda happy Miss Maj defended me, but i still felt bad. i knew i did all i could during that time. but it was inevitable.

i wanted to start fresh. my determination was running low already.
they gave me 4 patients today. Mam Rye was what i see as a super nurse. she always took the bulk of the patients.
soo everything started great. one of my patient was for discharge. i handle it well. i learned from my CM mistakes and checked everything! double checked even :) my other patients were well and i was even in a roll. i was checking and reading all my charts. called for follow up lab results and even even called residents for to follow ivfs. it was a great start once again. this time i wasn't taking any chances. i wont celebrate early this time around. i found myself chatting with the students. i was conversing more with them than the staff really. maybe because i knew we had a common thing.
i was helping out other staff, i was answering all the doctors orders. then a little mishap occurred. i forgot to chart on 408 who was already discharged! i even sent his papers down to the cashier already. sigh. but it was a minor thing. i could still fix it! hahaha
soo everything went on smoothly. my students were working faster than ever. they dint need me at all. they were independent :) i was the one even tagging along with them.
it was clearly a great duty. one of my patient even gave us Jolibee! :D those were the make me feel good moments in nursing. when you are being appreciated for your service. :)

after duty, i ran to the cashier, closed my charting then got my allowance. as i looked how much i earned for my 3 weeks of work, i was a but disappointed. thats it? sigh. ohhh well. who am i to complain right? maybe we had allowance deduction due to our ss :| soo okay. so i drove to the municipal hall and got my nbi clearance. got it photocopied and passed it to mam tina. then i went back to the cashier and inquired about my first allowance! it was still there! yey! :)) sooo got some cash already.

hope this will be enough to buy me a camera :D excited!
dint i tell you guys? i was planning to buy a camera. okay, my money was short, but cha was helping me out.. soooo watch out. :D hahaha i might have a legit dslr sooon! wiiiiiiii
soo i was planning to buy pizza or maybe ice cream for my family. but i fell asleep super early. ohh well. tomorrow nlng :))

02-01-12

31°

i was determined to have a chill day today :)
have seven patients in my name. and students helping me out. (and vice versa)
it started all right. then..
1 hour to go before my duty ends. it happened.
one of my patient was screaming in pain. and i was rushing to give her, her pain meds. trying to calm her down.
it was an aweful scene. what the hell happened to my patient? i checked up on her 30 mins prior to the event. and she was okay. she was smiling at me. talking to me calmly. now she was screaming her head off in pain.
we spent 30 mins trying to calm her down. trying to assist her.
but it wasn't over. my next patient was for OR. sigh. i started to rush things. sigh.
what the hell was happening? 1 hour tooo goo?!? i was about to finish an almost great shift. what the hell happened?

i guess they were right, you shouldn't count your chickens until the eggs hatch.. or something like that. 1 hour to go and i was celebrating thinking i had a great duty. but everything came down to the last hour. lesson learned again.

lesson learned.

i got home, super tired. ate merienda and tried to sleep everything that had happened. if it was only possible to sleep till my contract ends. but.. i still had to wake up that night and call the station just to ask for my sked.

i woke up earlier than expected. got me a bit cranky. its not only because someone woke me up earlier, but it was the fact that maybe i dint want to wake up at all after what had happened. i knew i said my side. but if they wont believe me, i was gladly to write my first IR.
soo i tried calling and calling the station. First i called station 1 by mistake. when i finally contacted station 4, i think it was sir Renz that answered. i asked for my duty the next day.
6am again. sigh. i wasn't excited at all. i felt a huge burden on my shoulders. i hated hearing my patients scream in pain like that. i felt my own back breaking.

No one in station 4 knew how terrified i am with anything connected to ortho and the pain management afterwards. that was also the reason that i kept insisting my patient to have her nubain. cause i dont want to see her screaming like that ever again. i was terrified of it. it was an improvement i dint pass out during her SEVERE PAIN episode (be proud of me C2!! :) )
sigh.. another day tomorrow.
wish me luck

01-31-12

30°

30°


i was determined to have a great duty. it was like other duties. new students. new ci. and me looking like i have tons to do but actually doing little things for everyone.
i still have an hangover from my almost breakdown.
i was determined to erase all the negative vibes away.
early morning, they gave me a patient for OR. again i was hurrying to get everything set. i was getting her vitals while she was on the stretcher, finishing all the chart while going down. and endorsing the best i could.
all the while i was wondering. where was my student? i thought she was going to help me. but then i realized, i must not rely on them too much. I was responsible. it was another time management thing for me.
but my duty went well. i assisted everyone that approached me. i tried my best to answer everything they asked. it was also nice actually conversing with a doctor without looking stupid. it was a great day :) great start i might say. or maybe a great way to end january? but there is still tomorrow.. we shall see..

01-30-12

29°


still being haunted by my own dream of owing my OWN camera. as in a legit dslr.
it didn't matter anymore if it was a canon or a nikon. I wanted a camera, and i wanted it soooo badly.
it was all i thought about.
as i dream my day away, the feeling of me not being in the right profession grew.
someone asked me.. "Masaya kaba sa work mo?" and it took me a few moments to answer yes.
but was it the answer i really wanted to say? why the hell did it took me a while to answer it then right?

im happy. im happy im helping out people, im happy that people are helping me get better.
i might not be happy with the whole compensation, but it was better than nothing. maybe i was unhappy because i wanted something more. i wanted to do something. and knowing i could also succeed in another profession or career made my current work a bit.. bitter? or maybe sad.

i tried to remember how the hell did i survive 4 years of this.
1. was the people i met. classmates, instructors, staff nurses, even the patients. i must admit, im not the social person, yet i love interacting with my patients. i love learning about them, hearing their stories and sharing my own.
2. was the satisfaction of helping. that moment when a patient smiles at you and thanks you for even the simple things like changing their gown or just answering something that has been troubling them.

those were the only reason i could remember. and maybe the illusion that i made myself believe that this was all temporary. that in the near future i was to do the things i wanted. study the course i wanted. that this was just a stepping stone for me to achieve my own desires.
i remember coach telling me this illusion was just stupid. and little by little, im starting to believe him.

i was putting my own dreams on hold. but what if me pursuing this profession actually made me put an end to my other dreams? what if my MASTER plan in life wont come true. WHAT if flooded my head.

i got tired of thinking.

sooo.. i started to bake. RED VELVETS!!
this was one part of my dream. to become a chef. to be able to cook awesome dishes. to one day open my own little restaurant or even a sports bar. my cupcakes turned out okay actually.
cupcakes plus tanduay ice? yea it was a great combination. calmed my head. took away all the bad vibes lingering.

im only 21. turing 22 this year. and my goal of being a chef/photographer/traveler by age 40 was still there. was still alive and waiting for me to fulfill 'em. there no room for a quitter. if i quit now, if i lose hope now, if i let go of everything now, then i wont really go places.

my dream was alive and kicking. and calling out for me.
and what im doing now, is a stepping stone. yes. everyone starts from the bottom. and work their way up. and im no exception to that rule.

haaaaa.. thank you sweet red velvet and tanduay ice. :)

1-29-12