29°


still being haunted by my own dream of owing my OWN camera. as in a legit dslr.
it didn't matter anymore if it was a canon or a nikon. I wanted a camera, and i wanted it soooo badly.
it was all i thought about.
as i dream my day away, the feeling of me not being in the right profession grew.
someone asked me.. "Masaya kaba sa work mo?" and it took me a few moments to answer yes.
but was it the answer i really wanted to say? why the hell did it took me a while to answer it then right?

im happy. im happy im helping out people, im happy that people are helping me get better.
i might not be happy with the whole compensation, but it was better than nothing. maybe i was unhappy because i wanted something more. i wanted to do something. and knowing i could also succeed in another profession or career made my current work a bit.. bitter? or maybe sad.

i tried to remember how the hell did i survive 4 years of this.
1. was the people i met. classmates, instructors, staff nurses, even the patients. i must admit, im not the social person, yet i love interacting with my patients. i love learning about them, hearing their stories and sharing my own.
2. was the satisfaction of helping. that moment when a patient smiles at you and thanks you for even the simple things like changing their gown or just answering something that has been troubling them.

those were the only reason i could remember. and maybe the illusion that i made myself believe that this was all temporary. that in the near future i was to do the things i wanted. study the course i wanted. that this was just a stepping stone for me to achieve my own desires.
i remember coach telling me this illusion was just stupid. and little by little, im starting to believe him.

i was putting my own dreams on hold. but what if me pursuing this profession actually made me put an end to my other dreams? what if my MASTER plan in life wont come true. WHAT if flooded my head.

i got tired of thinking.

sooo.. i started to bake. RED VELVETS!!
this was one part of my dream. to become a chef. to be able to cook awesome dishes. to one day open my own little restaurant or even a sports bar. my cupcakes turned out okay actually.
cupcakes plus tanduay ice? yea it was a great combination. calmed my head. took away all the bad vibes lingering.

im only 21. turing 22 this year. and my goal of being a chef/photographer/traveler by age 40 was still there. was still alive and waiting for me to fulfill 'em. there no room for a quitter. if i quit now, if i lose hope now, if i let go of everything now, then i wont really go places.

my dream was alive and kicking. and calling out for me.
and what im doing now, is a stepping stone. yes. everyone starts from the bottom. and work their way up. and im no exception to that rule.

haaaaa.. thank you sweet red velvet and tanduay ice. :)

1-29-12